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Dating An Autistic Woman

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Tips For Women In Relationships With Partners On The Autism Spectrum

Autism And Dating | Navigating Relationships With An Autistic Person

Marci Wheeler, MSW

It is a challenge for most couples to find a balance between their needs and expectations, and their partners needs and expectations. In a relationship where one individual is on the autism spectrum, there are likely many more opportunities for misunderstandings and frustration. Finding a path to a respectful, loving and fulfilling long lasting relationship is every committed couples desire.In recent years, it has been helpful that there is more information and resources focused on neuro-diverse relationships. More is available for couples and individuals, including more for women, in relationships with men on the autism spectrum.This article is a brief summary highlighting information gathered from my experience as well as many women who have shared their stories with me over the years. A listing of resources is available at the end of this article to assist you in locating other information related to this subject.

Is It Hard To Date Someone With Autism

There is a show on Netflix called Love On The Spectrum, which follows young autistic adults as they navigate relationships, dating, and falling in love. There are individuals that have a meaningful connection and form a committed relationship after their dating relationship takes the next step.

Difficult moments when making eye contact, understanding certain situations and feelings, and maintaining conversation were difficult. There was one date where a cast member, Michael, goes on his first date and is asking his date questions. She becomes overwhelmed and the date is ended, leaving Michael wondering if he did something wrong.

Having a level of self awareness and an awareness of the surroundings and the other person on the date is difficult even for neurotypical people, so when it comes to people with autism, having romantic relationships can be a challenge. This can lead people to think that dating someone with autism is challenging.

An interview by Hurlbutt and Chalmers with an adult male on the autism spectrum indicated that the man felt he drove away women because of how often he called them and didnt recognize their feeling like they were being harassed. It can only take a moment of misunderstanding feelings and body language that can lead to feelings of harassment, affecting the dating life of autistic people.

Dating An Autistic Man

Several studies have shown that autistic men may have more pronounced symptoms than autistic women. For example, many men with autism may be less social and more focused on their own hobbies compared to women with autism.

If youre neurotypical, you may think your autistic partner is disinterested or aloof. But even if men with autism dont openly express their feelings, they typically have a deep, unspoken fondness for their significant others.

Also Check: How To Explain Autism To Your Autistic Child

What Is Autism Spectrum Disorder

Autism spectrum disorders are a range of conditions affecting learning, social skills, and daily functioning. Currently, about 1% of the population falls somewhere on the autism spectrum.

A distinct aspect of autism is that it can affect relationships. People with autism often have rich inner worlds filled with passionate interests and intricate thoughts. It can be difficult for autistic people to connect this internal existence to their surroundings.

They may struggle to interact with others and convey what they think and feel. They may also miss important social cues, respond inappropriately during an interaction, or withdraw during conflict.

However, how autism manifests in relationships is individual. Some people with autism are outgoing, while others are more reserved some are skilled at blending into social groups, yet some cant help but stick out.

They May Seem Unpredictable Sometimes

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Impulse control and emotional regulation can be a challenge for a person on the spectrum. Suppose you and your partner are watching a movie at home, and suddenly they switch off the movie because they spot a butterfly in the background and are afraid of butterflies. You have to be mindful of the triggers that disturb your partner. Even after taking care of the slip-ups, your partner throws a tantrum, be patient with them instead of reacting and getting frustrated.

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Fail To Predict Other Peoples Behaviors

Autistic women typically struggle with social imagination, the ability to guess another persons thoughts and intentions based on their verbal and physical cues. An allistic woman adept at social imagining may readily interpret a mans suggestion to watch a movie back at my place as a sexual invitation. An autistic woman, on the other hand, may interpret that as literally going to hang out and watch a movie. This may lead her to unwittingly put herself into a potentially risky situation.

They Can Get Fixated On Things

One common characteristic that many people with autism have is that they can get fixated on certain subjects, things, or even people. These things can completely consume their brains where they feel like they need to learn as much knowledge as possible about the thing theyre fixated on.

Dating someone who can get fixated on something can be very interesting because you can have awesome and in-depth conversations about the subjects and topics that theyre fixated on. They will truly appreciate that youre interested in the things that theyre currently fixated on.

Dont let it seem that their fixations bother you because they cant help it.

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Give Them Time To Process

Whether the decision is big or small, the can be rather difficult for people with autism. The best way for two people to work this out is to make sure that there is enough time to make a decision.

Obviously, you will want enough time to decide on big things like moving in together or getting married. On the other hand, making small decisions like what to eat for dinner can be quite difficult for people with autism too.

Dont get frustrated when your partner takes a little bit longer to process some information. Sometimes taking in this information can make them feel overloaded which isnt fun for anyone.

Being Averse To Change

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Lastly, autistic people tend to have a harder time adapting to change. A relationship with an autistic person may require a little more planning and a little less spontaneity than you might be used to.

Your partner may be used to eating the same meal every day, going to bed at the same time every night, putting back their stuff in the exact same place each day, etc.

If you spontaneously spring social events on your partner, they may feel a bit overwhelmed. Planning and giving plenty of notice can help your partner emotionally prepare for changes in their schedule or daily habits.

It may even help to dedicate certain nights of the week as social nights so that these events feel like part of your partners weekly routine.

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Challenges Of Dating With Autism

On the other hand, rejectiona fact of lifecan be especially disappointing to a group of people who thrive on routine and familiarity. Love and relationships arent always peachy, and Love on the Spectrum doesnt shy away from the ASD daters reactions to rejection and heartbreak.

As a caregiver of someone with autism, the best thing you can do is help them cope with rejection before it comes, says Stacey Lurie, Ph.D., an assistant professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center located in New York City. Try to help them cope ahead of time by letting them know they may feel rejected or let down and coming up with a plan for how to deal with it. That will help reduce the anxiety of something unexpected happening. Having a plan in advance is especially key, she adds, since it gives autistic people something to focus on during times of emotional distress.

The goal: Pairing the comfort of routine with the experimentation of relationships. You want your kid to experience as many social relationships as they can, says Lourie, who advises teaching teens with ASD the boundaries of what is acceptable during dates. Social cues could go missed if they dont know what to look for. Dating is hard for us all, and it comes with ups and downs. Make it clear that you support your child, no matter what, adds Lourie: Let them know, I am your parentthere is no judgment, I am here for you.

Relationships With Autistic People

There are many successful partnerships with autistic people and those who choose to marry and have a family and are usually happy, however they may experience difficulties as quite often an Autistic person will be unable to express their full feelings and emotions so difficulties may occur. Everyone with Autism will experience different effects from the conditions but mostly they will be based around emotions and feelings and often with a feeling of being isolated and detached.

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Dont Interpret Their Behavior To Mean That They Are Apathetic Or Unemotional

Autism relationships may sometimes be confusing because your partner can come across as lacking in emotion. This is because autism leads to difficulties with expressing oneself through communication.

A person with autism may speak in a monotone voice, lack eye contact, or appear emotionally blank. This does not mean that they do not experience emotions or empathy they simply have a harder time expressing it.

If you are dating someone with autism and are unsure of how to navigate your way, watch this video.

Dating An Autistic Woman

Dating Site For Adults With Autism Tattoo Online Dating  Ecocell

Autistic women may mask their neurodivergence more than autistic men. This may be why only one female is diagnosed with autism for every four diagnosed males.

When dating an autistic woman, its important to remember that she may be taking extra steps to try to perform dating norms, even if they feel foreign to her. Meet in the middle by getting to know her preferences, too.

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Freeze Up When They Feel Overwhelmed Or Threatened

Inappropriate physical contact, such as a person resting their hand on a womans shoulder or back, can be an overwhelming sensory experience for an autistic woman. If someone touches her, gets too close, or otherwise overwhelms her, she may involuntarily freeze up. She may even go into shutdown. As a result, she will find it harder to reject an unwanted touch or remove herself from a potentially dangerous situation.

When To Seek Professional Help

Reaching out for professional help can facilitate strengthening any relationship.

If you and your partner are trying to work on your challenges and establish better communication, couples counseling could help.

Seeking someone who specializes in supporting autistic people is highly recommended.

If you feel like there are some recurring things, and you talk about it a few times and youre just not getting any traction, sometimes its just helpful to have a neutral third person there, says Mendes.

All of a sudden, hearing it from another perspective will open your mind a bit and make you feel lighter. You might even realize, Wow! Im actually happier in this relationship than I thought I was!

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He Needed Recovery Timefrom Everything

My client used to quip that in order for her relationship to survive with her partner, she would need separate bedrooms and separate bathrooms. This way her partner could always feel like he had the freedom to leave, decompress, and recollect his energy without any interruptions. This may seem strange to a neurotypical as traditionally, married couples share bedrooms and sleep together but many have learned to accept that in a relationship with someone with ASD recovery time is necessary to keep their partner from becoming overstimulated and prevent a possible tantrum or meltdown.

Its important to remember that Autism Spectrum Disorder is a spectrum and no two cases of autism are identical, but there certainly are similarities. All relationships are frustrating and require hard work, but these challenges can be more pronounced in a courtship where one of more partners is simply not wired to inherently understand others and their feelings. The good news is the brain is plastic and over time new behaviors can be formed and people can learn how to better serve their partners.

Being Grateful For Autism

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I didnt have my autism diagnosis when we fell in love, even though Aspergers Syndrome was suspected of me throughout my adolescence. For all he could tell, I was just a quirky, delightfully weird, studious nerd of a goth chick. He saw me as someone who can speak and write eloquently, but who also hand flaps and stims when Im unaware.

For him, my autism diagnosis was probably an unexpected turn in our relationship all he knew about autism before meeting me was the inaccurate stereotype portrayed by Dustin Hoffman in âRain Man.â

Despite the stereotypes, autistics are often affectionate, sexual, and quite capable of expressing empathy in our own ways. Being autistic isnât a defect, it is another way of being.

In my own case, when Jason felt under the weather earlier this year, I spontaneously dropped by his place with a shopping bag full of over-the-counter remedies from the drugstore and his favorite Canada Dry ginger ale. I encourage his music career and I even listen to his music on Spotify when I miss him. But when he takes me to a heavy metal concert, I have to take frequent breaks outside to help deal with my sensory overstimulation from the loud noise.

Like other autistics, I can ramble on and on and on about my favorite topics. I can be very socially awkward or reserved even though Im not shy. Jasonâs parents adore me and they call me a genius. These are the moments, heâll say to me, that he is grateful his girlfriend is autistic.

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Overcoming Autism Relationship Problems Tip : Build Mutual Understanding

Finding common ground is always a good starting point in any relationship, but dont lose sight of your differences. The two of you likely interpret the world and your interactions in different ways. The way you respond to situations may also differ. The autistic partner may need a moment alone to process their emotions or want to take new experiences step by step. Conversely, the non-autistic partner may want to verbally vent their emotions or navigate challenges based on gut reactions.

These differences arent necessarily a bad thing. But you will need to open yourselves up to new perspectives.

Study up on autism. Every autistic individual is different. However, learning about common autistic traits and experiences can help educate and empower both of you. If youre autistic, you might feel relieved to hear about other people who are dealing with similar issues. If youre not autistic, you can learn better ways to support your loved one and gain insight into the neurodivergent perspective.

Approach interactions with curiosity. Even if you feel that you completely understand your loved one, there’s always more to learn. Ask questions that help you gain a better perspective on your partners inner workings. What motivates them? What drains their energy? What are their insecurities? What kind of support do they expect from you? Consider writing down some of their answers for future reference.

Dating: Tips For Autistic Teens And Adults

This is a guest post written by Lindsey Sterling, Ph.D. and Siena Whitham, Ph.D. Dr. Sterling is a licensed clinical psychologist in Southern California, specializing in the evaluation and treatment of children, teens, and adults with ASD. During now-completed Autism Speaks predoctoral and NIH postdoctoral fellowships, Dr. Sterling deepened understanding of the physiology of anxiety in youth and adolescents with autism. Such research helps advance the development of tailored therapies.

Dr. Whitham is a licensed psychologist working in Los Gatos, CA. provides evaluation, treatment, and consultation to children, teens, and adults.

A few years ago, we posted a piece on the Autism Speaks website, Ten Steps to Help a Teen with Autism Navigate Dating. This is such a pertinent topic, and perhaps equally if not more important for teens and adults themselves to have tips to navigate the complicated dating world.

The term dating means seeing someone with a purpose and being romantically involved with them. Dating activities are often the same as socializing with friends, but the persons thoughts and feelings differentiate dates from friendship. Often, people date with the hopes of establishing a committed relationship.

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Does Gender Affect People With Autism Differently

People with autism dont all behave or think the same, including in romantic relationships. There are a variety of factors and idiosyncrasies when it comes to how autism affects a partner, including gender.

Some research suggests that autism differs between men and women. Here are some notable points to keep in mind when dating an autistic man or dating an autistic woman.

Understanding Each Other: Theres No Right Way In Relationships

Autistic dating site Sutton Coldfield

In the past, it was believed that a diagnosis of Aspergers or autism was incompatible with love and relationships. But love is an emotion that can be fully experienced by nearly anyone, despite differences in perception, social interaction patterns, or emotional expression.

In other words, someone with Aspergers is capable of falling in love. There are, however, some potential challenges both of you could experience along the way. But, isnt this the case for most relationships?

Some of the challenges might come, in part, from what researcher Damian Milton has called the double empathy problem.

The concept refers to the potential difficulty both neurodivergent and neurotypical people may have when attempting to understand each other.

This is not a problem someone in the relationship has. Instead, its a common occurrence when two people with different outlooks and experiences relate to each other.

According to Milton, autistic people dont lack empathy, as some people may inaccurately believe.

Neurodivergent people express emotions differently, mostly based on their particular way of experiencing the world.

This might make it difficult for nonautistic people to understand and sometimes empathize with an autistic person.

The same can be said for autistic people understanding nonautistic individuals. Its a bidirectional experience.

The major challenge comes from assuming that the nonautistic way is the correct and only way.

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